Pregnant!!!....Sorta.

I know that's ridiculous...it's just that there isn't a whole lot of concrete evidence for it.

No morning sickness, no long, flowing beautiful hair, not even any obvious weight gain. If we wanted to get really specific, I've had a "baby bump" for about a year now, but I couldn't even pass it off as a "baby bump" until now, and said "bump" hasn't enlarged at all.

Yes, I have been experiencing "soreness" in certain areas of my body, and yes, I have been craving chocolate like I never have before (seriously- I'm not a chocolate person). Still not enough evidence for me.

I am told (by my gentle, but persistent husband and my rational brain) that if I haven't had my period, I am pregnant. Ok, I get it- the numbers, the tests...all came out to indicate that I am pregnant. So, what gives?

There's something about the Pregnancy Machine that I might be missing here. I have been on message boards for pregnant women (mostly 20-somethings, by the way) to try and relate to women there--no good. Many of them either talk about how unsupportive their partners are, or how crappy their symptoms are, to neither of which I can relate. I've tried to be absorbed by all the books I am supposed to read, to ogle over cute baby clothes and toys and furniture, to talk for more than 5 minutes about our upcoming bundle of joy, but I just can't.

I am excited that we are pregnant; in fact, I was sad when the first pregnancy test we took prior to missing this period was negative. But now that our test was really really positive and we have been to see the midwife at least once, I find myself to be rather ambivalent. Counter-cultural, even, according to women I have read or met.

When it comes to the Pregnancy Machine, I'm feeling like I just don't cut it. I don't fit the mold of women who speak only of their pregnancy, who take belly pictures every week ("week 4- I already have a pooch!!"), who agonize over the nursery "theme," who register for baby stuff at Target immediately, who "think blue" or "pray for pink." I don't have an unsupportive, piggish husband who says stupid things that make me cry, nor do I have an overbearing mother or mother-in-law to bitch about. I simply can't get wrapped up in what the baby looks like at this second, what to do about a car seat, which preschool the kid will attend, or which Baby Einstein CD to buy. I don't want to use abbreviations like DH or DD or DS. I cannot bear to think about the Disney princesses. Or Thomas the Tank Engine.

Perhaps I am just waiting until the first trimester is clear and over, protecting myself just in case something goes wrong. Maybe I am nervous, scared and overwhelmed about all the changes ahead. Or it could be that I am just an older mom. I've been around to see several of my friends have children, and I have also seen several of my friends go through infertility treatments. I don't worry about every little thing I eat, although I make smart choices for the most part. I'm relying on hand-me-downs for everything from maternity clothes to baby gear. I assume, I think correctly, that people will help me along the way. I keep thinking that women have been doing this since the beginning of time, and that somehow, I can weather through it once it seems real.

I'm a reasonably smart woman, and I can do this. I just might not make being pregnant my whole life right now. But I don't buy into the Pregnancy Machine because it isn't me. I can use my experiences and the people close to me for advice.

So if you don't see me wearing a t-shirt that says, "Baby on Board" or "Hot Mama," don't be surprised. On the flip side, you won't see me obsessing over pink or blue, either. It all balances out, I guess, and maybe that's my role in nature. For once, I'm not one of the crazies.